Excuses, Excuses

I have been taking the boys to soccer for weeks and asked the girls if they want to come watch sometime. The teams were mixed, so it seemed like a great opportunity for the girls to get some outdoor exercise. Me-yem, Mu-wi and Malati all came with me a couple of weeks ago to watch. We go to the main park in the center of City Heights, where kids of all ages and adults play on one field in different chalked-off sections. Tomtom, Noah and their friend Cho have been playing since January and I can see that they have improved their skills a lot. Going to soccer is an important part of their lives.

After watching, Malati was excited to join. Her older sisters were a little more hesitant. I think it is the puberty thing: they are much more conscious of their bodies and what others might think. Malati is nine years old and less self-conscious, or so I thought.

She was sure she wanted me to sign her up, so I picked her and her older sisters up one Saturday afternoon and took them to Big 5 to get her the equipment she needs. I asked her to bring a pair of socks with her to try on the shoes. When the salesman came out with the shoes in her size, Malati pulled out the socks from her pocket. They were so big that the heel went half way up her ankle. She had grabbed her dad’s socks. We bought hot pink soccer shoes, shin guards, pink soccer socks and a soccer ball. She was very excited with all the purchases, especially because the socks matched the shoes and pink is her favorite color. I think that having the whole shopping experience focused on her also added to her excitement. Being one of five girls and one of six siblings, it isn't often that one of them gets singled out for special attention. We stopped at a Marshall’s on the way home and picked up a pair of shorts because she didn't own any. The girls are very modest compared to American standards. Even though it was 85 degrees out when I picked them up, they all put on jackets. The shorts had to be long enough.

I told Malati that I needed her to be all ready to go when I came on Monday afternoon to pick her up. Unfortunately, I hit a lot of traffic going from work to their house and arrived a little late. The boys and Malati were ready to go and climbed into my car. I parked near the soccer field. Tomtom, Noah and Cho ran ahead and joined their group. It’s really satisfying to see how confident they now are with their coach, fellow teammates and new soccer skills. As we walked up to the coach, I remembered the first time I took the boys to the field, and that they were almost as shy as Malati was now. As we approached the coach, he was in the middle of dictating a drill to the kids, so we stood on the side line waiting for a break where I could introduce him to Malati. This was exactly why I didn’t want to come late. I didn’t want Malati to have to start after the practice session had begun. Malati joined in, but having absolutely no knowledge of the drills or the game, it was challenging. I told her that I was leaving to get her sisters, who wanted to come watch. My car can only hold four passengers, so it means making an extra trip to get the sisters. The field is a mile or so from their house, so it isn’t too much effort to drive back and forth. Mu-wi, Me-yem and I stood on the sidelines and watched Malati try her best, with her pink spiked shoes, hot pink knee socks and lime green shorts. She very slowly went through the drills, trying to do everything right but was holding up the line by being so careful.

When it was over, the younger two boys, Noah and Cho, stayed to watch Tomtom and the older kids practice and play as his practice goes longer. That gave me the opportunity to drive the girls home. I asked Malati how it was and she quietly replied that it was okay. I asked her if she was planning on coming back next week and she said she wasn't sure. I was thinking that I had spend a lot of money on all the gear for her to give up so easily, so I said she had to come five times before she could quit. Her older sisters thought that was very reasonable, because they didn't want me to waste my money, as they put it.

The next week, I left work earlier to make sure that I could get the kids to soccer on time. Tomtom had sprained his ankle, so he wasn’t coming and the older sisters were not home, so I packed Noah, Cho and Malati in my car and was secretly thankful I only had to make one trip. I told Malati that it was really important to me that she gets there on time so she feels more comfortable. We walked up to the group of kids and the coach. It was the older kids’ coach, who I know is a little harder on the kids. For some reason they had mixed up the age groups, maybe because not that many kids had shown up.

As soon as we got up to the group, Malati said she had to go to the bathroom. It was across the park, so I knew that it meant she would be late again, but I had to take her. By the time we got back, the kids were deep in their dribbling drills. It didn’t look too hard, and I knew Malati could do it. I stood with her on the edge of the circle of kids and showed her how to do it. The coach invited her to join in. She just stood there with her ball in her hands. I made a big mistake, I think, by saying to the coach that she was new and a little shy. It’s probably not good to announce in front of a group of kids that a child is new and shy. At that point she started crying.

Her older sister, Mu-wi,  was supposedly at the Payless Shoe Store with her mom down the block. My plan was to walk over to the store and get her so she could watch with me, since she was expressing an interest in joining soccer, too. When Malati started to cry, I knew she wasn't playing soccer that day. I asked her if she wanted to walk with me to get Mo. She nodded her head yes. I took her ball and she followed me off the field. She cried almost all the way to Payless. I felt bad for her. As we walked, I told her that she was very brave. I asked her if she knew what brave meant and she said she didn't. I asked her if she had seen the movie Frozen. She had. (Of course! What girl in this country hasn't?)  I explained that being brave is like the younger sister in Frozen, that she tries things even though they might be scary or uncomfortable. I told her that I thought she was the bravest of all her sisters, because she tried soccer first.

By the time we got to Payless, Malati had stopped crying. Mu-wi and her mom were not there, so we walked back to the field to watch the boys and the other kids. One of the moms that I know whose daughter is in soccer, ran by to get a drink of water. She said she couldn't talk, because she had joined some of the other adults and was playing a pick-up soccer game, and that next time I should play, too. Malati asked if I was going to play. I explained that I was WAY older than that mother and that I was too old. That mother was in her 30s and I am much, much older. When I told her my age, her eyes got really big as if she was looking at the oldest person on earth.

When the practice was over, the mom that I know came and talked to me. The manager of the whole field was nearby, and asked her how she liked playing. She said she really enjoyed it. The manager turned to me and asked if I wanted to play next time. I smiled and brushed it off. When they walked away, Malati asked why I didn't try. I realized then, that I was asking more of Malati then I was of myself; that it was okay for me to use the too-shy excuse couched in the too-old excuse, but Malati can’t use an excuse. Do I need to play to get Malati to be more comfortable? If I don’t try it, am I making up poor excuses? Should I set an example? The thought of running around trying to play a sport I have never played makes me feel a little nauseous. Is this how Malati felt?

Since Mu-wi has decided to try soccer, Malati feels she would be able to play if her sister Mu-wi plays with her. Who will play with me? Anyone?