The other day I got a call from a man who said he might be related to me. Skeptically, I asked him why he thought that. He then named my mother, saying he was her cousin because his mother was my mother's aunt and my grandfather's sister. I left the kitchen where I was preparing dinner and talked to this man for two hours! After he identified himself, I had to apologize to him and tell him that I never had heard of him before and was sorry that I did not know he existed. My mom had never told me that her dad had living relatives. Maybe she forgot. Samuel, her father, died when she was 6 years old. It is possible that his sisters, parents, and brothers didn't keep up with my mom and her mother. Maybe when Samuel was gone, the link to my mom and her mother was broken. My mother, Syl, and her mother, Rose, drifted off like dandelion seeds being blown from the base.
Marvin had looked for Syl for years and somehow found me by discovering my father's obituary. Marvin was quite upset to learn that Syl had passed away two years ago. Here he was on the brink of discovering where she was, only to be a little too late. He had no idea that she had spent the last 40 years in Canada. That may have been why it was so hard to find her.
I am sad that he missed being able to contact my mom, but glad that he called me. I think Mom would have liked to hear from him. He is a rabbi in Florida. It feels so cool to know that a living rabbi, with a wife and children and grandchildren is related to me. I am amazed that I never knew that Samuel had relatives. I've always been acutely aware of the fact that I come from a very small family, but now it is a lot bigger.
Samuel and Marvin's mom, Irene, were part of a brood of six children but he and Syl are the only offspring of them all.
Marvin and I are first cousins, once removed. I have no first cousins, no aunts, no uncles, no grandparents. I have two nieces and one nephew. This is a small family. All my life I have envied people with large families, especially when I was younger, and didn't realize that large families can be made up of some pretty dysfunctional people.
Marvin shared some interesting stories with me. I feel richer knowing these stories, and knowing there are some folks in Florida that are part of my family. He told me about a site, http://www.geni.com/, where he has entered all the family members he knows about. Geni.com maps everyone out. It allows pictures to be posted and messages to be sent. It gives everyone’s relationship to each other and can list birth and death dates. I think it is another “social networking” tool. I have signed up and am excited to explore it. It says there are over 7,000 people in my tree. I can’t see how that is possible. I think most of the people are in Marvin’s father’s side, which is not related to me. There is so much to explore on the site.
Knowing that Marvin is a rabbi, makes me feel a little guilty that I am not very versed in Jewish traditions. I don’t know any Hebrew, and can barely say the common prayers. I have rarely gone to temple. I identify as a cultural Jew, not a religious Jew. I wasn’t raised with religion. When I was little, we pretended to keep a kosher house when my grandfather from my dad’s side would pay us a visit. I went to Hebrew school, but never got bat-mitzvah-ed. We ate bacon but never had a Christmas tree. We celebrated Hanukkah by giving and receiving presents, but we didn't light the menorah or tell the story. We sometimes had a seder, but never rang in Rosh Hashanah.
I have raised my kids differently. Even though Scott is not Jewish, we have consistently celebrated Hanukkah by lighting the menorah every night, saying the prayers, telling the story, and having a traditional feast with latkes. We have had always had a seder the whole time my kids have been growing up. We have recognized Yom Kippur. Sometimes my kids even fast on that day. One year, I took them every Friday night to a different temple, trying to find one that fit us, and that we fit in. I did not find any that were welcoming and warm. I quit looking.
Ben thought he would become more religious when he went to Israel, but to his surprise, he is less religious. He claims to be more spiritual, but not religious. On the other hand, Mikayla got bat mitzvah-ed when she was in Israel. Both Ben and Mikayla had a choice when it came to religion. They have fully embraced being Jews, which they are. The Christmas tree we have every year did nothing to persuade them to become Christian, their dad’s heritage.
Hopefully, one day, I will meet Marvin and his family. For me, my family tree has just sprouted a new branch. The tree feels healthier.
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