Ben's Graduation and Letting Go

Ben’s Graduation

Ben graduated December 13, 2008 from UC Davis. He received a degree in International Relations with an Emphasis in Peace and Security in the Middle East and a Minor in Religious Studies. These last four years at college has changed him from a boy with black and white ideas of the way the way the world works to a man with a deep knowledge of the history of the world that has lead to a clearer understanding of how people have created the challenges and complications that we face today.

I had arranged for out-of-town family and friends to stay in the same hotel in Davis for the celebratory weekend. It was a wonderful weekend, a fun reunion with most of the important people in Ben’s life getting together to honor him.

Some of us came in Friday night and we all had a delicious dinner at a Thai restaurant. I really like being out of town with family and friends. Everyone is relaxed and in vacation mode/mood.

The graduation ceremony was at 10:00 a.m. Saturday morning. Since it was a winter ceremony, there were not that many people graduating, which made the ceremony shorter and much more pleasant than when thousands of people graduate in the spring. Ben’s house mate and good friend Bob graduated with him. Bob was right behind Ben to receive his diploma. When they crossed the stage, Ben turned around and they gave each other a big high five. We cheered.

Bob’s mother and I planned a luncheon for the families and friends at a local brewery. We reserved a private room. Everything turned out very well. Celebrating two graduates together who have mutual friends, worked out great. I think the graduates liked sharing this special luncheon, so that they did not have to be the sole center of attention and they could both have all their friends there.

Later that afternoon we went back to Ben and Bob’s house and had cake and coffee. That evening, Ben and Bob partied with their friends and the family went out for dinner in Davis.

Letting Go

I lost my cell phone at the mall the night before we flew up to Davis. This was vitally important since everyone was counting on reaching me as they came into town. I have never lost my cell phone before. It was very disconcerting. Scott drove back to the mall to look for it in the parking lot. He asked the security guard about it and I called the store I had shopped in. We scoured the car, and called my number to see if we could hear it ring. No luck. This was just the first of many things that I lost that weekend.

While in the cab going to the airport with Scott, my goddaughter Michelle, and our friend Mary, I called Verizon on Scott’s phone to have all my incoming calls transferred to him. I thought they set this up for me the night before, when I called them to report my phone was missing, but it was not done correctly. Verizon had disconnected my phone service altogether. By the time we got to the airport, I was still on the phone with Verizon. Scott paid the cab driver after he had unloaded all of our suitcases onto the curb. When we reached the check-in kiosk, I was still on the phone. Scott asked me where my suitcase was, and I had no idea. I thought maybe it got left at home, which would have been a problem, since we did not have time to go back and get it. Scott went out to the curb, and there it was, looking very suspicious in an abandoned way. A security guard was standing over it, angry that it was unclaimed and relieved that it was subsequently claimed. I had not thought of my suitcase while on the phone. All I could concentrate on was staying civil with the inept customer service representative. I erroneously assumed that since someone had carried my suitcase down our front steps for me and put it in the cab, that they would also carry it into the airport. I was still recovering from my operation and could not lift anything heavy, so I wasn’t thinking at all about my suitcase. It was a great relief to get it back.

The next thing I lost was my warm winter coat, which I needed in Davis, as the temperature was in the low 40s. Scott and I remember seeing it at the car rental place, but somehow it did not end up in the car. Like my cell phone, it just disappeared. I had to borrow a jacket to stay warm.

Sunday morning we were all getting ready to check out of the hotel and have breakfast in town with Ben. We left our cars in the parking lot of the hotel after checking out and were walking to a breakfast of crepes and coffee when I reached up to my ear and discovered that I had lost an earring. This was a brand new pair I was wearing for the first time. I couldn’t believe I had lost another thing! There was definitely a theme developing here.

When we went back to the hotel to get our cars, I asked the receptionist if I could get a key for the room to look for my earring. In the bedroom, I dropped the remaining earring on the carpet so I could see what the lost one would look like if it was snuggled in the rug somewhere. I said out loud that I wanted my earring back and had a feeling it was there. Sure enough, when I pulled the curtain back and moved the chair, there it was! I was 2 for 4, with having my suitcase and the earring, but not the cell phone or the coat.

On Monday morning, when Michelle and I got in the car to take her to school, I said aloud, “I really want my cell phone to be here.” Just as I was saying it, I slipped my hand between the seat and the console and felt something fist sized, pulled it out, and it was my cell phone!

Three out of four things I had lost had been found: the cell phone, the suitcase and the earring. The only thing that never came back was my coat, which was okay because it was one I had put in the give-away pile a few times, but had taken back because it was a “good” coat.

The theme of loss seemed to play out in an almost absurdly vivid way this weekend. It reflected the feelings I was having about Ben. He is fully grown. His graduation from college signifies that he is on his own now, or as I like to joke, off the payroll. I feel a vague sense of loss. With us being financially involved in his college, I felt like we still had some control, some influence, that he had some accountability to us. Now his life is completely in his control. This is all as it should be. I am so proud of him and know full well that he is going to go on to live a very fulfilling life. He told Scott and me that our obligations to him are over, that we helped him through college, and now he needs to take full responsibility for his life. He is aware that we gave him all we can to launch him into as successful a life as we can. He now has the reigns. I appreciate that he understands this and could verbalize it.

Yet, as proud as I am of him, as much as I know that this is the way it should be, there is still a letting go for me. If the weekend is any reflection on how things will be, I will have to let go, but know that it will all come back, except what I don’t really want. Ben will make his own way, create his life as he desires, but will never be lost from me.