It's been a while. Is there some connection with blogging and migraines for me? I stayed home from work today because I woke up in the middle of the night in excrutiating pain, enough to actually make me cry. After super-strong prescription meds and anti-nausea meds, I am functional again. The vulture-like migraine is still hovering on the left side of my head, but I am not turning around to look at it. I am trying to ignore it. Maybe writing is a way of cleaning out my psyche after my head has been sick.
Crying. I hardly know how to do it. It just isn't natural for me. I have cried in the past, like when my mom passed away, but I don't cry at the usual things, like a fight with Scott, a sad movie, a touching story... what else do people cry about? I have friends who cry often and it makes me wonder why I can't. Seeing others cry is similar to watching someone dance well. It seems like a skill I could learn if I practiced really hard, but is foreign to me right now. I remember some advice I gave a friend as a teenager. She was having a terrible time with her abusive father. I told her to just build a wall around herself, so nothing can penetrate it and hurt her. I said, "It works for me!" The wall must still be up and the moat of tears is on the other side.
We've been talking to Ben lately about him coming home early, after his first semester. As much as I want to see him, ache to see him, I think he should take advantage of the opportunity of being there by getting more involved in the community. He said, "I had more convictions before I came; now I feel less sure of what I believe and need to go home and assimilate everything I have experienced." I understand that.
He also wants to come home and spend some time with his little sister, before she heads off for college. Since I was not close to my siblings growning up, Ben and Mikayla's closeness is like gold to me. Precious.
It is hard to believe, but in a little over two weeks we will be boarding a red-eye flight to go to Costa Rica. I seem so caught up in the net of the present, that I can hardly think of the trip. Yesterday I did try on a bathing suit and was disgusted with how I looked. I now wonder what in the world was I thinking planning my 50th birthday party in a tropical resort, when I look the way I do???? Maybe I should have planned the celebration at the ice festival in Montreal.
It really is amazing that 15 of us will be altogether at the resort. I appreciate everyone that is going to help me mark 50 years occupying this planet. I will miss Ben terribly, though.
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